This is the first ‘back-to-school’ season in a while where I haven’t went back to school. Basically in seventeen years minus the gap year I took in between high-school and college. It being the first day of September and I’m not figuring out which classes I like and how my new schedule works feels a little weird to be completely honest. I am grateful to be done with school though. It has given me more time to write but also more mental space to actually write and create what I want to. I believe that my newest poetry book will be done sooner then I originally anticipated. Perhaps it will be a new year’s book?
I wrote a poem last week after writing several others in which I’m blunt and say clearly what’s hurting me breaking some of the unspoken rules of poetry. Not to say I follow many rules of poetry, I like to do my own thing. But I’ve found a lot of poetry will talk about the hurts and aches of life without explicitly naming what it is that is troubling the poet leaving the reader the freedom to assign their own interpretation to it. I on the other hand, often names exactly what is hurting me which I’m sure can cause less relatability for some people but I think it also has the opportunity of making people who do relate feel less alone. If someone reads any of my poems about miscarriage and they have also walked through that, likely they understand that grief and rage unlike anyone else and I want them to know that they aren’t alone in that pain.
Here’s the poem I was talking about:
Out Loud
I'm too blunt for this poetic world
The metaphors don't always work
I scream out the reason for my heartache
Instead of remaining subtle.
Nonchalance has never been my strength
I will laugh loudly and fully
I will cry ugly
I will admit I have faultlines
and I rage throughout my poems.
I don't know how not to be
Utterly me anymore
And I don't want to stop
Healing out loud
Living out loud.
So yeah, here’s a little reminder that it’s ok if you are blunt about the things that bring you joy but also what brings you pain. Tack is a thing we should use but there is a difference between using tack and hiding your true emotions.
***
The poetry book I am working on is set up differently from my first book. My first book is divided into sections about topics. For example, the first section is relationships and all the poems dive into relationships with guys, friends, and family. This book however is not going to be in sections. Instead, it goes in the order that I wrote the poems. The first poem is one I wrote two years ago but many of them have been written in the last 6 months, and the last ones will be ones I’ve yet to write. It has poems based off Biblical stories/ideas as well as ones inspired my stories or emotions of my own life during the various seasons. It technically starts when I was single, but none of them really delve into that topic but it does talk about my dating and eventual marriage. I would say I’ve shared a decent chunk of them on Instagram before but not quite all of them. Here is one of the earlier poems that I really love that way it turned out.
broken to become whole
some of us need to break to be whole
maybe that's just a part of humanity
but I don't know.
Some people seem to always have it together
to have never had a month or year where
they have few memories as they broke down again.
but then again, it could all be an act.
maybe some of us are just broken
(or it's just me)
maybe some of us have experienced a different
level of emotional breakdowns. But
I feel things to the darkest level
even on my happiest moment.
I wish everything was sunshine and roses
but roses have thorns
and the sun burns
I see beauty in the world
but darkness is also around the corner.
I sometimes panic about the darkness
am anxious about the light leaving
fearing the blanket of depression settling again...
I'm happy / I'm safe / I am excited about my life / I'm loved / I'm wanted / I'm needed
It's a chant I say to myself
Whenever I start to panic
That it isn't all real
And my life is just a dream
Because waking would be a nightmare
Because all my dreams I dreamed
When I was a broken mess
Are coming true
And dare I say "hallelujah
God took something broken and made it whole"
But yeah:) stay turned folks, my goal is to have at least 60 poems if not 70 and I’m at 44 right now. Once I have all the poems then I will begin in earnest marketing for it while I edit and prep everything for publishing. But thanks for reading and enjoying, love ya!
Leave a Reply